So I thought I might do something a bit different with this post - write something that I would never want to take back or re-think. I've lost the mental ability to work on my thesis or other research projects, and I was sitting trying to think of something productive I could do without actually doing any work (something I've been spending a lot of time doing these days). And so I came to the conclusion that I could spend a little time reflecting on my beliefs and sharing them with people who may not know what I believe. Or who just need a little strength to get through their day.
I'm pretty sure everyone who is reading this knows that I'm Mormon, and that I've been a lifetime member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And if not, I'm sorry I haven't made that obvious to you. So I'll tell you a little bit about why I've made the conscious choice to remain in this Church, and just maybe, if you have some negative views of Mormons, I'll offer a different perspective than you've been exposed to.
My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ can't be explained in one blog post. It is entrenched in almost 21 years of sometimes heartbreaking, and yet glorious life experiences. I have felt the hand of God in my life more times than I can count, and sadly, I chose to turn away from it for some time during high school. I felt like I was going through this vicious cycle of trying to do everything I was told I should be doing...and then messing up and feeling like I was never going to be good enough, so why even try? Why pray to this God who I felt was an angry, jealous God that wanted me to repent every day when I messed up? Why did I have to focus on all the things I was doing wrong when I already experienced such a strong self-hatred for so many years? I spent much of high school clinically depressed and struggling with anorexia. In my life, I could control two things - my eating habits (which ironically, I completely lost control over), and my grades. Somehow, I've always had the ability to excel in every single class I've taken - mostly because I know how to study, not because I actually think I'm all that smart. If I could get perfect grades and somehow attain the perfect body (a five-year-long experience which I'm building up the courage to release in blog form) then I was worthy of being loved. I became this empty shell that simply existed. I would wake up for school, get ready like a robot, and survive each day, willing myself not to think about anything but what I was occupied doing at the present moment. "Right now, I am brushing my teeth. I am putting my toothbrush under the water. I am spitting into the sink and rinsing my mouth out." Thinking about anything but my actions at hand caused me too much pain.
I thought that God must detest me because I wasn't like the beautiful, sociable, spiritual young women at church. I was too tainted with too many personality flaws. I couldn't get over my skewed thought patterns (that I knew were wrong but continued anyway), and that was reason enough for me to just stop trying. God didn't want me. He wanted people with high self-esteem and happy spirits.
Little did I know that when I wept, the Savior wept. When I despaired, God's hand was fully extended to me. When I cried for help, He was already there holding me. The only thing standing in my way was the seduction of ignorance - of not pursuing the plan laid out for me by my Heavenly Father because that meant I was responsible for not messing up - which I would inevitably do. We so often talk about messing up like it's a bad thing. And while we shouldn't seek out opportunities to do wrong, each mistake does give us the opportunity to grow.
In the many paradoxes of the Gospel that I've learned about in my life (one that continues to baffle and amaze me is the reconciliation of God's justice and mercy), there is one in particular that is one of the most glorious of all. We were made in the image of God, and we are so very much like Him in terms of our potential. We can be like Him, but He is not like us. I'm having a hard time articulating this. He is.....above every mortal weakness that we experience. He doesn't hold onto our pasts like we hold onto our own and others'. We were meant to experience mortal inhibitions...irrational anger, irritation, an aversion to forgiveness, jealousy...Otherwise, there would be no point. We each suffer weaknesses in character. We weren't meant to be perfect on this earth. But the point is to become like God in overcoming these mortal tendencies. By learning how to control, to love unconditionally, to forgive, to practice mercy. This whole time (in high school) I imagined a constantly displeased God who held onto my past sins like I held onto my resentment for people who had hurt me very deeply in the past.
But He's not like that. When we recognize our faults and come to Him in sincere repentance, He simply...gives us a clean slate. He knows that we are prone to mortal weaknesses because of the Fall of Adam and Eve - an absolutely essential component to His plan for His children. Without the Fall, we could not become mortal and experience weaknesses to overcome, in turn becoming like God. It is also absolutely essential that we experience our own "Falls." It's impossible for us, in a mortal existence, not to sin. It's in our nature. But we learn to control and improve. God knows that we have weaknesses. And so, like I said, when we recognize our faults and come to Him in sincere repentance, He simply gives us a clean slate. Because Jesus Christ already suffered for our sins and paid the price that we might not suffer. As my New Testament teacher once told us [quoting someone else whose name unfortunately escapes me], "In some way that we do not understand, in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Savior lived your life from the day you were born to the day you died. Rather than experiencing a wave of suffering for everyone all at once, He awaited a long line of [billions of] people for whom to pay the price one by one."
Long before you even lived, He already experienced your loneliest night (yet another amazing paradox). He already knew what you felt like when [these are not necessarily representations of my own trials - just things that I know people deal with] your closest friend died, or when you were sexually abused, or when your father beat you, or when your mother left you, or when you hopelessly despaired that you could never recover from an addiction, or when you just thought it would be better for everyone if you died. This is why we are never alone. Because there is One who has already lived our lives every step of the way.
There is so much to learn from these mind-boggling paradoxes of mercy and grace. Can we learn to exhibit a little more compassion and grace to those around us? Can we learn to be a stand-in for the Savior to those who have wounded us beyond repair - or so we thought? Can we learn to practice God's mercy, and leave the judgment to God? Can we learn to let our pasts slide, along with those of others? To give everyone the same chance to forsake their pasts and be the person of their most inherent, divine nature? I have been reminded several times recently that the individuals who harm us suffer much more than we do from the infliction of their abuse. It is this gentle reminder that has given me the strength to be a stand-in for the Savior and offer quiet forgiveness and a friendly hand to those from whom I once cowered in fear. The Atonement covers absolutely everything, mortal weaknesses and transgressions included.
I stole my title from Elder Holland's talk about the Book of Mormon in which He stated:
“I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgement bar of God that I declared to the world, in the most straightforward language I could summon, that the Book of Mormon is true.”
I could write a whole other post about this Book and its truthfulness - in fact, why don't you just watch this talk? (You can't just read it and experience the fire raining down from Heaven that happens every time Elder Holland speaks.) It pretty much summarizes my feelings on the matter.
But I want to say the same statement here. I want it absolutely clear that I know that my Savior Jesus Christ lives and that He personally atoned for my sins. He loves each one of us and understands our circumstances completely. I want it clear that I have no doubt in my mind that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was divinely organized and its structure divinely inspired to carry the truth of the Gospel to all nations in modern times. I know that God has called prophets to lead and guide us today, just as in times of old. I know that God lives. I know that God has provided the Priesthood to allow worthy men to speak and act for God as if He were here on the earth and that all individuals have equal access to the blessings of the Priesthood. I cannot deny the hand of the Lord in my life, and I promise you that if you will seek out the truth and actively study and ask for wisdom from the Lord, that it will be granted to you. Of this I am more sure than anything.
