The Dangers of Erasing Gender: Mormon Women, Motherhood, and the Priesthood

Let me start by saying that I understand the weight of some of the statements I'm going to make. I've always been cautious about making blanket statements about people, especially where gender is concerned. To me, it's like nails on a chalkboard to hear people say things like, "men are natural born protectors" or "women are inherently more nurturing than men are." The variation within genders far outweighs the variation between genders. However, Heavenly Father has designed a plan in which there are essential differences between males and females regarding the individual's divine nature and associated responsibilities and potential.

I've written before about the Proclamation and my personal interpretation. As time has passed, I've been hearing a lot more of these shared sentiments across the pulpit in sacrament meeting - the Proclamation never says that women can't pursue careers, one parent isn't necessarily restricted to certain tasks, etc. And I totally agree with those interpretations. People (ahem - Mormons) are finally waking up and realizing that a woman who aspires to be a doctor isn't going to be struck down because she has passions and aspirations outside of raising her children. Heaven forbid. However, I think there is a certain danger in focusing so much on saying that men and women should be doing exactly the same things because gender should have no say in responsibilities. Let me explain.

Recently, I had the opportunity to interview several women in the church who support the Ordain Women movement. It was an extremely eye-opening experience, and while I do not agree with the aims of the movement itself, I more fully understood some of the challenges that stand in the way to understanding the inherent differences between men and women and how gender relates to motherhood, fatherhood, and the Priesthood. One interviewee struck a chord with me when I asked her how she would respond to the idea that men and women depend on each other because they need each other to grow - they each bring different things to the table. She thoughtfully responded with the statement, "I think human beings depend on each other." In no way do I disagree with this statement. This is why the church has visiting teaching, home teaching, service committees, wards, stakes, missions - essentially, this is why the Church exists. As children of God, we are to learn and grow and help others do the same, regardless of gender. But the family is the central unit in which this learning and growing occurs, and only a man and woman together can make the covenants in the House of the Lord and bring souls to earth to shepherd them back to our Heavenly Father. In the words of Elder Packer: "Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman." (More on this later.) Men and women do need and depend on each other, and when we erase gender and say that only human beings depend on each other, we're undermining the plan that our Heavenly Father has designed to bring life into this world to progress on to exaltation.

On a fundamental level, I am not just a human being. I am a woman, and that means something. I've struggled to pinpoint exactly what that means, and I'm getting there step by step. Again, I hate to say things like, "All men are this way" and, "All women have been endowed with this gift" because I understand that not all women want to have children, and not all men bend over backwards to bring home the bacon (unintentional alliteration for the win). I need to phrase this delicately. When we get caught up in the logic that gender should have no influence on responsibilities or pursuits, there is danger in that we tend to treat men and women as exactly the same. We've gotten so caught up in our drive for egalitarianism that we've forgotten that different does not mean unequal.

So I'm going to tell you what it means to me that I'm a woman. First, let me rewind to a time when I didn't understand my place as a woman. Here's an excerpt from my field notes in Thailand when I was interviewing women whose husbands had taken wives after them. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have some kind of existential crisis at least once a week. Here's an example from that summer:

       "I began to go through a bit of a crisis (haha, I even called it a crisis in my field notes) yesterday when we were visiting the polygamous women living in the same house...I tried to mentally place myself in the position of a wife whose husband decides to marry another wife. What would my relationship be like with her? How would we feel about him? Would one of us love him more? How would I feel knowing that right now, my husband was having sex with his other wife, who was possibly my friend? How would I feel to know that another woman could make him feel that way about her and that those intimate experiences that we had together were not unique to us alone? During our visit, I didn't become all that distraught - when I got home and started to write, however, I became very upset. Because it seems to me that that is, in fact, the natural order of things. It makes more sense for men to take multiple wives, even if I don't like the idea of it, in order to have more children. It doesn't make as much sense [evolutionarily] for a woman to take several husbands. And in my mind, this difference between genders reduces my view of women to the station of baby-makers and servants to a husband who can go off and do his work (which is not always very fun in and of itself, I know) and be leaders of a community and of the world...I know that all people are equal in the sight of God, but the patriarchal order of things [troubles me].

        In my life, I've known so many men who have left...abused...didn't love their wives...became addicted to pornography...and on and on and on and on. I'm not saying that all men are like this,  but I kept coming back to this thought last night. Why would Heavenly Father create a sex so vulnerable to being raped and abused and scorned and then create a patriarchal order in which the sex that is prone to raping and abusing and scorning constitute the leaders? How could Heavenly Father watch His daughters go through so much suffering at the hands of the other sex and still tell me that my greatest satisfaction will be serving humbly as a wife and mother in Zion? I know that I will accomplish much, and that I have been directed to lay these things aside to serve as a wife and mother. Why are my accomplishments not as valuable? Why aren't they enough? Why do I have to set my passions aside? Why do I need to make babies and support my husband in his passions? Why do I need to be expected to marry someone who might leave or abuse or hurt or not love his wife or become addicted to pornography?

       Even as I write this things, I know that my view is limited. I know that there is more. I know that Heavenly Father's daughters are precious to him. But part of me wants to just adopt children on my own and raise them myself. I could pursue whatever I wanted with whatever money I make and wherever I go. I could adopt a couple of children and love them like nobody has loved them before. I could teach them about love and work, heartache and joy. I could raise them on my own. I wouldn't have to worry about being left or abused or hurt. I wouldn't have to worry about my husband finding another woman and wanting to leave to be with her. I wouldn't have to worry about my husband keeping me but feeling the need to have a woman on the side. I wouldn't have to worry that I might not be enough to keep a husband around. 

       And so I cried and cried last night. Because I don't understand my place as a woman in this plan of God's. And I won't ever be enough for someone who will probably leave or abuse me anyway. Where am I in the scriptures? Am I just the child-bearer of a prophet? Am I not to lead and to learn but to "toil and to spin and to work" in the home? I know there are good women in the scriptures, but I just haven't truly understood them yet. I don't know where they are. I don't know the place I have. I don't understand my worth."

Oh, my gosh. Tell me this was my mid-life crisis and that part of my life is already over. I'm actually laughing reading through that. I mean, it's not funny, but it's funny how much I've changed in the months since then. Now let me explain where my thinking has completely shifted. I certainly don't have the answers to all my questions. I don't know why polygamy ever had to be part of God's plan, and why only men hold the Priesthood, and why women are biologically the ones who bear the burden of child rearing and everything. 

But let me tell you what being a woman means to me. I have been endowed with the ability to bring life into the world. When the gravity of this ability really truly struck me for the first time, I actually felt kind of bad for men. They will never know what it's like to have this precious son or daughter of God inside of you, growing and kicking and becoming attached to you. They will never know what it's like for this tiny human to be entirely dependent on your ability to give bodily nourishment while they physically and emotionally attach themselves to you. I have been endowed with the divine responsibility to become partners with God in leading these tiny souls back to their Heavenly parents. If this is not the most important, influential task in the scope of all eternity, I don't know what is. This, of course, in no way denigrates the sacred station of fatherhood. Men play a critical role in leading their precious children back to their Heavenly parents, and a lot of this has to do with using priesthood authority to exercise priesthood power in the home. Your response to the following idea might be, "But we're in the 21st century now," but if Heavenly Father created one sex to primarily rear and nurture His precious children, and one to do everything in their power to protect and provide in order for that to happen, then so be it. Obviously, the two roles overlap more closely than that description provides, but who am I to throw a wrench in that plan?

God's purpose in creating two genders always comes back to the same thing: families. Man and woman, through the proper authority of temple covenants, bring Heavenly Father's children into this world to undergo the necessary experience of mortality that leads up to exaltation. (If you're not Mormon, this probably sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Ask the missionaries!)

So, you might ask: What about people born with both male and female genitalia? Those who struggle with gender dysphoria? Gender reassignment at birth? What about those who struggle with same-gender attraction? What about wives whose husbands leave them and they must care for their children on their own? Vice versa? What about couples who struggle with infertility? Women who never get the opportunity to marry or have children?

Well, I have good news. While we must do our best to deal with these issues in a sensitive and careful manner here in mortality, we don't have to have all the answers. Because at the end of the day, God takes care of it all. Yeah, this probably isn't what you want to hear. But I don't think we were meant to know or understand everything in this life. God knows the whys that we may never know in this life. But I do know this: Gender is an eternal characteristic, and it extends far beyond the mortal challenges of this life. Every individual has been assigned, from the time we were born of our Heavenly parents - maybe even before, I don't know how it works - their gender and associated divine roles. And because gender is eternal, we will have opportunities in the next life that may not be available to us now. Do I know how this works? No. Am I worried about it? No. I just know that there are very real challenges we must deal with in this life, but that they will be brought to light in the next. Each challenge is a trial of our faith, and obedience must come first. It is through obedience to God's commandments that we are protected. We can never fail when we are obedient to God's commandments. 

But I haven't gotten through all of this based on blind faith. Obedience is a start. And personal revelation has always been and always will be available to us. I may not have a complete understanding of gender and the divine inheritance of both genders, but I've come to understand it in a light that I never have before.

First of all, I get a little miffed when people talk about women not having the Priesthood. I really do understand where a lot of these women are coming from - I've spent a great deal of time talking to them. But I wish I could just transfer my worldview into their heads. I already have the Priesthood. No, I haven't been ordained, and I personally don't think women will ever be ordained to the Priesthood because officiating in essential ordinances for exaltation is not in my job description as a woman. (Obviously, that's not all the Priesthood is, but to just water it down a bit...) I believe women take a greater role in the Priesthood than we realize. Think about this. We have the essential Priesthood keys on the earth to perform necessary ordinances. But we don't currently have the keys of creation or resurrection (this is a great talk by the way). However, I, as a woman, have the potential to carry a creation in my body and bring it into the world. I have the ability to give life. If that's not an essential component or shadow to the Priesthood power of creation, I'm not really sure what is. My future spouse and I are partners in the Priesthood. It is just as much my responsibility to uphold, honor, and understand the Priesthood as it is his. In no way do we differ in that regard. The power of the Priesthood is involved in such acts as bringing life into the world and sustaining it. I also take part in the priesthood when I accept any calling under priesthood authority. Yes, this includes visiting teaching. As an LDS woman, you have been called to watch over your sisters under the direct authority of the Priesthood...so you sure as heck better do it. You will be held accountable under the same judgment that men are.

Sheri Dew, in Women and the Priesthood, talks about the difference between Priesthood keys, Priesthood authority, and Priesthood power.

• Keys = the right of presidency; few men at one time actually hold very many keys of the Priesthood; they are dispersed throughout the men of the church who hold different responsibilities
• Authority: required to perform ordinances and conferred through ordination
• Power: power of God that emanates from the Priesthood; available to everyone, even those who are not members of our church

So, how does the Priesthood interact with motherhood? Sheri Dew provides this equation in the same text:

• Priesthood + womanhood = Exaltation

Alrighty. I struggle with this one a bit, I'll be honest. I've never equated the Priesthood with manhood, the Priesthood does not belong to men, and like I explained, I believe that mothers/women are equal participants in the Priesthood. However, sometimes I have to wonder if there's just a language issue here. What if - just entertain the thought for a moment - what if there is a part of motherhood that is so intertwined with the Priesthood (as I've expressed), that we just don't have a way to express it in words? What if the word "Priesthood" has just been culturally associated with "manhood" over time, and in reality, "womanhood" only stands alone because we've made it so in the way we speak about it? What if there is something so inherently sacred and special about womanhood, and we just don't have a name like "Priesthood" to accompany it to describe our primary responsibilities? I don't have the answers here, they're just things to think about. That maybe we are just limited in our understanding due to our mortal state - and as you should know by now, that is usually how things on this earth work. 

Another part of this book that entirely shifted my perspective on motherhood is found in a short story about a husband and wife talking in mixed company about their jobs and what not. (You, know - "What do you do?" "Well, actually, I'm a stay-at-home mother." "Oh. Well, then, what does your husband do?") Someone mentioned how awesome the wife/mother was for supporting him in his career, and the thought suddenly struck the husband/father that he was the one supporting her. He was the one working and providing for her to be able to bring these lives into the world and shepherd them along their journey back to their Heavenly Father. I mean, obviously we're not all going to be stay-at-home mothers or fit this traditional mold, but what's wrong with this traditional mold anyway? Nothing! Nothing at all! Yeah, there's a problem if we just see women as baby makers and unintelligent humans who need to stay in their place in the home (one of my favorite movies is Mona Lisa Smile). But I'm going to make a long shot and say that there will always be more women in the home than men, even as we move toward more egalitarianism. And there is nothing wrong with that. Good grief, can we just let people do what they want without overanalyzing everything and assuming that it's a problem that there are this many women at home and this many men in the workforce and blah, blah, blah. I mean, obviously, there's a problem if a woman faces discrimination and is treated like she needs to be at home merely because she is a woman. But there is nothing wrong with being the full-time gatekeeper of what should be the most sacred place on earth. That is a huge job and more important than what happens in Congress. Yup, I went there, said that. 

Every individual has a divine mission to fulfill in this life, and whether that means they stay in the home or have children while they get three degrees and travel the world doesn't matter. I will defend the traditional structure of the family every bit as much as I defend the the couple who decides the father needs to stay home with the children while the mother pursues a career. As long as both couples have worked out their situations with the Lord, I see no problem. In our 180 turnaround from the 1950s, we've begun to see women who choose to stay home as falling victim to a sexist system. But what we fail to see is the importance of rearing children. In a world that would have us put off families to pursue personal pleasures, decrease the number of children we decide to have, and put careers ahead of providing companionship and guidance for our children, we fail to see that the most important work done in the scope of all eternity is in the home. And biologically speaking, women are more often going to be the ones who to spend most of their time there with their children. 

So what do Mormon women get? As Sister Dew puts it, "potentially everything:" (I love this woman; I'm sorry I'm not sorry for making half this post about her.)

• the gift and power of the Holy Ghost
• personal revelation
• to be endowed in the temple with godly power and knowledge to access that power
• leading and teaching by the Spirit
• angels as our associates
• spiritual gifts
• blessings of the Atonement
• new and everlasting covenant of marriage
• rearing children as partners with the Almighty
• eternal life

Potentially, we get everything. In no way am I restricted. My potential is limitless. As a Mormon woman, I am one of the most powerful people in the world.

Women have been endowed with the sacred task of bearing children, and men have been entrusted with an  equally sacred task of using authority to provide spiritually saving ordinances for their children. Both are equally essential for the exaltation of all individuals. Our responsibilities go far beyond these tasks, but this is at the core of our identities as sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents. Those who say that these callings are not equal in nature will never be satisfied with differences between man and woman. As long as differences exist, they will call it inequality.

I'll risk sounding ultra-conservative to defend the family. I'll risk the criticism of many of my acquaintances who would like to tear every sentence of this apart. I'll risk sounding overly traditional to defend womanhood and motherhood. Because, as Glenn L. Pace once stated:

Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your heavenly parents in those royal courts on high and look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any question you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich celestial air, because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny.

Me and my best friend - one of the strongest Mormon women I know.