But in the meantime, I've got some new developments! I talked to one of my anthropology professors a few weeks ago, wondering what in the world I am to do with my crazy enthusiasm for gender studies. I began to explain to him the reasons for my passion and what I hope to do with it. Eventually came the answer that I had been dreading to hear....that everything I was saying led to social work. I just felt that social work was something pushed under the rug, something no one cared about unless they needed to use it. But once I started researching options in social work, I realized that all of my goals can be achieved in this field. My core belief that led me to be a psychology major (because even in middle school, I knew I would pursue psychology because of this reason) is that if you can help someone overcome the obstacles in their life, they can rise to their greatest potential and become the person they've always wanted to be with the level of happiness they deserve to have.
Perhaps an obstacle comes in the form of sexual or physical abuse. Perhaps it is depression and feelings of inferiority. Perhaps the person being held back by obstacles is a woman raped by her home teacher who had suspected she was a lesbian (yes, true story). This woman's bishop warned her not to report the incident. Yes, even Priesthood leaders in the church are human and fall short of our trust sometimes. I guess part of the reason that I'm so passionate about LDS gender studies is that these things do happen but are so often dismissed. I am not suggesting that these incidences come about as a result of the Church, but rather from the mortal and human components of the Church. The structure of this Church exists in a fallen world, and many associated evils infiltrate and destroy families. While I haven't been able to pin down one completely reliable source, most in-depth statistics portray that Mormon divorce rates are really not much better than general divorce rates. We are so quick to believe otherwise -- our perception is often skewed because a lot of church divorces avoid the complicated sealing cancellation process and only deal with a civil divorce. The number of divorces I've heard about lately in the church is through the roof. A bishop who became addicted to pornography after decades of a happy marriage. An abusive husband who had been struggling with same-sex attraction but never told his wife. A couple who didn't know each other's intentions in marriage as well as they believed they had. And dozens more. In so many instances (not all, but many), women are the victims of some form of marital abuse and are left with no way but to leave a marriage and try to rebuild their lives. My career goal is to aid women in empowerment and resolving conflict in their lives that comes about from things they have control over. Because we do, in fact, have an enormous amount of control over how we handle our circumstances, and while time must be allowed for healing and coping, we can become happy people. So why do I care? Why does this sector of psychology appeal to me? Because I can connect with some of these issues through personal experience, even though by the grace of God I've only been given so much as I can handle. But I've been given enough to be able to empathize and feel a strong connection with many of these women who struggle. I have finally found a purpose in my education -- a reason to pursue the path in front of me.
April's General Conference showed a remarkable focus on families and gender. Many of the speakers touched on the rampant misperceptions that cause suffering in our members. We [men and women] say we are different but still equal. But do we really believe it? We say that a nurturing mother achieves the same level of status as a full-time working father. But do we believe it? Do we actually believe that the difference between men's and women's roles still means complete equality? Majority of the time, in this fast-paced, competitive nation, the answer is no. I don't think most people (even in the church) believe it even though they say it and they want to believe it. We have been raised in a culture where different means unequal. And it takes much more than saying what you want to believe in order to actually believe it. So in consequence, many women suffer from feelings of inferiority and loneliness and become subservient to their husbands in matters of sexuality, work, family relationships, and so much more. Which is why I fell in love with this quote from Elder Ballard:
"In our Heavenly Father’s great priesthood-endowed plan, men have the unique responsibility to administer the priesthood, but they are not the priesthood. Men and women have different but equally valued roles. Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman. In other words, in the eternal perspective, both the procreative power and the priesthood power are shared by husband and wife. And as husband and wife, a man and a woman should strive to follow our Heavenly Father. The Christian virtues of love, humility, and patience should be their focus as they seek the blessings of the priesthood in their lives and for their family."
I don't see a rigid separation of roles in this teaching. I don't see anything saying that all women have to do this, and all men have to do that. Because while bearing children and the Priesthood are responsibilities of different genders, they are equally shared. A husband has just as much responsibility to care for his children, and a wife has just as much responsibility to honor, understand, and call for the use of the Priesthood. I see a team in this. I see a single unit under God.
- Again, the leaders of this Church are aware of the struggles of women. They are not seeking to keep women in a secondary place. They care. Take a look at this video that the women leaders of the Church took part in as a loving response to recent a recent upheaval in the fight for "equality" between men and women. I'm going to be honest. I have felt confused about my role as a woman before. At times, I've felt conflicted about what kind of education to get because I don't want to have to consider my gender when considering what I want to do with my life. Sometimes, I don't like the general model of the Proclamation. And I have struggled with the idea of equality between men and women. But through my studies, I have found comfort in discovering that in the eyes of God, men and women are truly equal. I may not understand why men can have the authority of the Priesthood, but I know that I have equal access to the blessings of the Priesthood and an equal responsibility to call for its use. I am acting in faith that God will not let anything hinder the work of His Church and that the Prophet and Apostles are leading this Church under His guidance. As the scriptures say, nothing will stop the work of God in this age. This Church is not corrupt. I have also found comfort in the idea that no matter the judgment of others, I can do whatever I know is right for me if it is right in the eyes of God. Because I care about God's opinion of me a whole lot more than anybody else's.
I am a feminist not because we need to change the Church, but because we need to realize some of the ways in which the social structure of the Church functions and interacts, and how it can sometimes cause harm to certain people. I don't think we will ever, in this life, rid ourselves of all of this harm. Again, we live in a fallen world, which will find ways to infiltrate our families. Opposition will happen. But on an individual basis, I plead with you to rid yourself of these influences and act with the confidence that comes from following the Savior. As long as your decisions sit right with God, nothing else matters.
To wrap up, I call for greater understanding among the members of the church. We so often impose our views on others because we think ours is the right answer. From the time we start our education as children, we are constantly in search of the one right answer, trying to avoid getting any red marks on our papers. Besides matters of doctrine, I believe that there are many answers out there. I don't think there's one right way to handle any political issue or one right way to structure a family. I call for greater understanding and tolerance. We need to stop pretending we know all the answers, especially when it comes to other people's circumstances and things that don't involve pure doctrine. Don't be hasty to form a concrete or universally applicable opinion. Seek the value in other people's ideas; you will only grow as a result. More often than not, there is more than one answer.
I don't think I could say it better than this woman interviewed for the Claremont Oral History Collection (in the book Mormon Women Have Their Say):
- "I think that family values are wonderful and something that I definitely want to take to heart. I do feel like the family can be overly structured for people, overly defined and our discussions about gender and the church are kind of painful for me because I feel like we're quite rigid sometimes saying men are inherently this way and women are inherently this way, therefore men should do these things and women should do these things. That has not been my experience...I think of Elder Oaks, specifically where he's talked about marriage and family, talked about the fact that there are always exceptions to rules. But since he's giving a general talk he will talk about the rules and I think that those kinds of statements are important to me. I think that's the kind of attitude I'd like to see fostered in the Church a little bit more. That we teach the principles of the Gospel and we trust individuals that they are able to implement them in their lives in an appropriate way" (63).
I was talking to a friend about my blog, and he asked me to what end I was writing all of this. What am I trying to accomplish? So here's the answer. I'm not venting. I'm not criticizing. Through all of these discussions, I am simply asking you to take control of your own life. Nevermind the social pressures you face that are telling you to be one way or another. Nevermind the people who believe that there is one right way to live. Disregard those who put you down, and prayerfully figure out what is best for you. Because all that matters is that you are right with God. People will criticize and judge along the way. Forget them. Brush everything off your shoulders and remember the root of your purpose here on earth. You have a duty to love and to serve and live your life to the best of your potential. Stay true to yourself, but first and foremost stay true to God. Realize that people here on earth are different for a reason. We're not all supposed to become the same person. You have an immeasurable amount of divine potential simply because you are a child of a divine Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother. This is our heritage.
I'm done writing now, but here's some food for thought. I really like what Jackson Katz has to say about how "women's issues" are just as much about men as they are about women. Take a look!
Well spoken Mary. I feel that we are kindred spirits. I wish I had gotten to know you better.
ReplyDeleteSister Ellis