Loving Begins with Listening

I've stayed away from writing for a long time because I feel like social media has become an interface for people not to discuss or enlighten, but to prove a point - to shut someone else down. One person's experience merits another in response that aims to disprove the viability of the first. Statistics are thrown from both sides to prove why the other is wrong. Before long, there are only two sides to take - both evil from the other's point of view. But in trying to prove a point against someone else's, what has been accomplished but the creation of a more defensive, corrosive environment? The goal is no longer to seek truth and encourage compassion. The goal is to shut down, to shut others up, to gain followers, to put others in their place. And the fruit is more divisive barriers.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts because we can all look around and see exactly what someone else is doing wrong (and heaven knows it's incumbent upon us to fix other people to become more like us...), and why they don't think about things the right way. But how often do we remember where we came from? Maybe something we once believed has changed - or at least become more open to interpretation. Maybe now we know someone who struggles with the issues we once tried to push under the rug. Maybe now we realize that we struggle with issues we never thought we would. As someone who now feels grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I can say that I once reached a point where I seriously considered leaving. I was so close to being completely done. I never thought I would struggle with that. People who left the church were the confused ones, the ones who were seduced into falsities. That was for other people to experience, not for me.

The truth is...everyone has a story that will break your heart, make you laugh, and make you feel things you never knew were out there.

A lil' bit of background....

I have a really hard time expressing what I want to do with my life when people ask me what my career aspirations are. That's because I don't envision a specific career as much as I envision the person I'm going to become and the questions I'm here on earth to explore. And when I say envision...I mean, I sometimes feel like I can see it in my mind. I know the types of things I'll be doing, and the kinds of things I'll be called upon to do. All of my roles - whether that be mother, sister, scholar, musician, disciple, friend, employee, university professor, consultant, whatever I may end up being - are circumscribed into this one great mission of mine. I know that as an eternal being, my mission on earth is to constantly seek to understand the dynamics of human relationships, diversity, interpersonal conflict, widescale conflict, compassion, development, ethnic boundaries...all of these topics that, I've realized, boil down to at least one central dichotomy: self and other.

Before graduating, I decided I would take a year or two after graduation to explore where my real interests lie and what I need to study in graduate school. I came to find that all of my interests - from marriage and family therapy to anthropology to international development - rested on a foundation of conflict theory and the constructs of self and other. I literally spend almost all of my time thinking about the dynamics of self and other in terms of different conflict theories- from Terry Warner's work on self-deception and interpersonal conflict to the Khmer Rouge genocide to how the Priesthood works to why I'm always angry about my dating life (because let's face it, we all spend too much time thinking about that topic).

A lot of these thoughts I owe to the Arbinger Institute and Terry Warner (see book: Leadership and Self-Deception) who focus on teaching the idea that we betray ourselves when we ignore the inner call we feel to help others or do something we know deep within us to be right. For example, Warner (in the article What We Are) sets the scene of a sleeping man named Marty who, preoccupied with climbing the career ladder of success in his daily life, awakens to the sound of his infant crying. He immediately feels the call to tend to the baby, but instead ruminates on thoughts about why his wife should get the baby instead. He's far busier than she is, anyway, and...why isn't she getting up? She's probably being lazy...she's not even a good mother. See the downward spiral ensue.

During my millionth read of this article, a ton of bricks smashed me over the head. Every conflict I perpetuate derives from me thinking only about me. If I'm Marty, for example, I start putting my own comfort or career over the call I feel to help another. Suddenly the issue becomes not about how the baby will be taken care of but why I need to justify more sleep for myself - because I'm the one who carries this family on his shoulders, dammit. Well, it's no longer about the family, it's about me and the important work I do.

So, when we're engaging in debate or in disagreement in daily life (neither of which are wrong by nature), are we listening intently, all the while concocting the perfect response to prove them wrong? Are we listening to understand what someone else's experiences reveal about ourselves? Are we listening so that others will see us being compassionate? Or are we simply listening to try to understand? Listening well enough to understand why someone's actions or thoughts, in their world, make rational sense based on their circumstances and experiences? (Making rational sense out of someone's experiences does not necessitate your agreement with them. Listen to live in their world for a little bit and see why it makes sense to them.)

I believe the Savior is the master teacher of conflict resolution. In His act of Atonement, His suffering was the ultimate act of listening. He didn't stop suffering and say, 'You don't need to be feeling this way. You're seeing things upside down. Why are you so angry? You deserved it. Why do you feel this way? Other people have it worse than you. I don't want to hear your side of things because you don't have the whole picture.' He simply suffered every pain no matter how justifiable or worthy or inconsequential.

Listening is not just something we have to do to get to the real answers. It is getting to the answers. Listening is healing. Listening is loving.