Loving Begins with Listening

I've stayed away from writing for a long time because I feel like social media has become an interface for people not to discuss or enlighten, but to prove a point - to shut someone else down. One person's experience merits another in response that aims to disprove the viability of the first. Statistics are thrown from both sides to prove why the other is wrong. Before long, there are only two sides to take - both evil from the other's point of view. But in trying to prove a point against someone else's, what has been accomplished but the creation of a more defensive, corrosive environment? The goal is no longer to seek truth and encourage compassion. The goal is to shut down, to shut others up, to gain followers, to put others in their place. And the fruit is more divisive barriers.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts because we can all look around and see exactly what someone else is doing wrong (and heaven knows it's incumbent upon us to fix other people to become more like us...), and why they don't think about things the right way. But how often do we remember where we came from? Maybe something we once believed has changed - or at least become more open to interpretation. Maybe now we know someone who struggles with the issues we once tried to push under the rug. Maybe now we realize that we struggle with issues we never thought we would. As someone who now feels grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I can say that I once reached a point where I seriously considered leaving. I was so close to being completely done. I never thought I would struggle with that. People who left the church were the confused ones, the ones who were seduced into falsities. That was for other people to experience, not for me.

The truth is...everyone has a story that will break your heart, make you laugh, and make you feel things you never knew were out there.

A lil' bit of background....

I have a really hard time expressing what I want to do with my life when people ask me what my career aspirations are. That's because I don't envision a specific career as much as I envision the person I'm going to become and the questions I'm here on earth to explore. And when I say envision...I mean, I sometimes feel like I can see it in my mind. I know the types of things I'll be doing, and the kinds of things I'll be called upon to do. All of my roles - whether that be mother, sister, scholar, musician, disciple, friend, employee, university professor, consultant, whatever I may end up being - are circumscribed into this one great mission of mine. I know that as an eternal being, my mission on earth is to constantly seek to understand the dynamics of human relationships, diversity, interpersonal conflict, widescale conflict, compassion, development, ethnic boundaries...all of these topics that, I've realized, boil down to at least one central dichotomy: self and other.

Before graduating, I decided I would take a year or two after graduation to explore where my real interests lie and what I need to study in graduate school. I came to find that all of my interests - from marriage and family therapy to anthropology to international development - rested on a foundation of conflict theory and the constructs of self and other. I literally spend almost all of my time thinking about the dynamics of self and other in terms of different conflict theories- from Terry Warner's work on self-deception and interpersonal conflict to the Khmer Rouge genocide to how the Priesthood works to why I'm always angry about my dating life (because let's face it, we all spend too much time thinking about that topic).

A lot of these thoughts I owe to the Arbinger Institute and Terry Warner (see book: Leadership and Self-Deception) who focus on teaching the idea that we betray ourselves when we ignore the inner call we feel to help others or do something we know deep within us to be right. For example, Warner (in the article What We Are) sets the scene of a sleeping man named Marty who, preoccupied with climbing the career ladder of success in his daily life, awakens to the sound of his infant crying. He immediately feels the call to tend to the baby, but instead ruminates on thoughts about why his wife should get the baby instead. He's far busier than she is, anyway, and...why isn't she getting up? She's probably being lazy...she's not even a good mother. See the downward spiral ensue.

During my millionth read of this article, a ton of bricks smashed me over the head. Every conflict I perpetuate derives from me thinking only about me. If I'm Marty, for example, I start putting my own comfort or career over the call I feel to help another. Suddenly the issue becomes not about how the baby will be taken care of but why I need to justify more sleep for myself - because I'm the one who carries this family on his shoulders, dammit. Well, it's no longer about the family, it's about me and the important work I do.

So, when we're engaging in debate or in disagreement in daily life (neither of which are wrong by nature), are we listening intently, all the while concocting the perfect response to prove them wrong? Are we listening to understand what someone else's experiences reveal about ourselves? Are we listening so that others will see us being compassionate? Or are we simply listening to try to understand? Listening well enough to understand why someone's actions or thoughts, in their world, make rational sense based on their circumstances and experiences? (Making rational sense out of someone's experiences does not necessitate your agreement with them. Listen to live in their world for a little bit and see why it makes sense to them.)

I believe the Savior is the master teacher of conflict resolution. In His act of Atonement, His suffering was the ultimate act of listening. He didn't stop suffering and say, 'You don't need to be feeling this way. You're seeing things upside down. Why are you so angry? You deserved it. Why do you feel this way? Other people have it worse than you. I don't want to hear your side of things because you don't have the whole picture.' He simply suffered every pain no matter how justifiable or worthy or inconsequential.

Listening is not just something we have to do to get to the real answers. It is getting to the answers. Listening is healing. Listening is loving.

He Loves You Today

I've been letting this draft sit for several weeks, and I keep feeling like I need to publish it. So for those who feel lost or downtrodden, or like they're not the person they should be, this is for you.

Last fall, I was called to be Relief Society President in my BYU ward. For those who may not be familiar with this calling, as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a Relief Society President has stewardship over a portion of the spiritual and physical welfare of members of her congregation, in particular the sisters (although her welfare responsibilities typically extend to the whole ward, as she acts in partnership with the Bishop of the ward). I cannot describe the feelings of inadequacy that began to flood into my being. Rather than strength and enlightenment, which I was blessed with on quite a few occasions, of course, most of my days were filled with a deep sadness that penetrated my very soul. I woke up consumed by darkness every morning, plagued with insecurities, hating the person I had become, worried that I wasn't doing enough, worried that I was inherently falling short of the calling extended to me, and worried that I could never be who God wanted me to be. I had messed up too many times to count, and I was not who everyone thought I was. These thoughts, exacerbated by scars from my past that I had never let heal, made me adamant that I wasn't the bright, sociable girl everyone seemed to tell me I was. They didn't know that I was really a dark creature filled with hatred that I couldn't cut out of myself. I knew I was slipping yet again into a recurrent episode of clinical depression.

I can only think of one way to even begin to explain the depression that I've intermittently fallen back into--at least the way that I and a few others I have talked to have experienced it. I would imagine getting stuck in quicksand is a similar feeling. You get so trapped in your own dark thoughts that the harder you try to fight, the deeper you sink, and the more hopeless you feel. It hurts so much you can't breathe. It often comes to the point to where death seems like the only possible solution, even though I told myself I was too rational to truly consider suicide. Still, walking across a bridge or crossing the street in traffic was always a surreal experience. I could just jump and splat. Over. Relief! I couldn't even step out my door without beginning to cry and wanting to crawl back into bed and die. No matter how hard I tried to reason myself out of what I was feeling, I was fighting a losing battle against intense self-hatred. I haven't struggled with continual depression, but the fight against self-hatred, just like for a lot of people, is a daily battle.

I texted my sister one day, who has also struggled with depression, and said something to the effect of, "I don't know what to do. I just don't want to live anymore."

What I'm about to say may not seem like a big deal, but it saved my life.

My sister invited me to stay with her and her husband for Thanksgiving.

I'll just leave it at this--my sister and I have had a complicated history, and I was at a point where I was thinking, "But I don't deserve that. I can't let myself be welcomed into her home with the way that I've treated her in the past, the pain that she's gone through, the things that she's dealt with. I don't deserve it." Nevertheless, she lovingly welcomed me into their home. That compassion changed me.

A similar event saved my life yet again.

I had begun to confide in my parents in a way that I never had before. They likewise took me back into their home over Christmas break. They cried with me, planned with me, problem-solved with me, and gave me money (I was at the point where I almost wasn't working anymore because I was in bed if I wasn't in classes). Until that point, I had lived by a Lorelai Gilmore policy: Do everything on your own so that no strings are attached. I didn't want help from anyone, especially family.

But here I was, broken down to what I felt was a completely hopeless, helpless mess, being nursed back to spiritual and physical health by my parents. It was at this point that my dad shared the following quote by Joseph B. Wirthlin with me:

"We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities."

For the billionth time, I broke down and just cried and cried. I had faith. I still felt stuck in quicksand, but I had stopped fighting so much. I could feel someone's hand starting to pull me to safety. I knew I could change, but I also knew it was going to take some really hard work. The important thing was that I could feel this transformation taking place. I could feel something happening, and I've finally started to grasp what was going on.

Knowing that someone loves you regardless of what you're like feels safe. It feels warm, calming, and soothing. It empowers you to be all you can for them because you love them with all your heart for loving you despite your faults, in fact even because of your faults! My parents and my sister offered me this kind of love--they calmed me enough to stop fighting the quicksand so hard. Their love began to transform me. Magnify this effect by infinity, and that's what the love of the Savior does for us--the love that is always there for us.

That fall, I started a series of sessions with a psychiatrist, and I believe what she told me. I was experiencing some chemical imbalances that I could start to control with diet and sleep and some more concrete, possibly temporary options, and I would feel a lot better when I started to form different habits. I have a testimony of the connection between body and spirit, and I knew this was true. But I also knew that these physical manifestations were steeped in a dark spiritual struggle with the Master of all lies, who tells us we are nothing, that we are unworthy, disgusting creatures who are undeserving of love, kindness, and forgiveness.

He tells us our pasts define us, that they are always a part of us.

Can the Atonement really change our pasts? President Lorenzo Snow teaches us that "As man now is, God once was; as God now is, man may be." If we truly have the potential to become like our Heavenly Father, and He was once a learner in mortality as we are now, does He not understand what it is like to overcome sin and weakness? Doesn't that tell us that He once underwent a similar experience to our lives in mortality? Doesn't that tell us that our pasts do not condemn us? In fact, can't you see that the Atonement contains the power to release the chains that Satan would have our past put on us?

If God became exalted in the same way that we are currently pursuing, then His mortal struggle was an important element of His exaltation, but everything He is and has become transcends those fallen components of mortality.

I once was given a Priesthood blessing by my Bishop, in which He told me that the mistakes and sins that I have made in this life were a part of the plan that the Lord has for my life because they have allowed me to become a less judgmental, more compassionate person. Don't you see? Through sincere repentance, through turning to Christ, He has made those fallen, dark things into something beautiful, something that testifies of Christ. The fact that I can use my sins to create beauty and kindness, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, transcends the sinning.

The pure love of Jesus Christ, enacted through the Atonement and Resurrection, is the transcendent, transformative power that takes broken things, sins, anything fallen...and exalts them into something divine. His love, the love of God, the is the most sacred, enabling force that exists.

A wise woman once told me, "To be loved by someone is very healing. To be loved by God is incredible." I think I'm just starting to understand what she meant. 

I can't say it better than President Uchtdorf: 

"He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you today with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held onto the fading light and believed—even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you."

The Dangers of Erasing Gender: Mormon Women, Motherhood, and the Priesthood

Let me start by saying that I understand the weight of some of the statements I'm going to make. I've always been cautious about making blanket statements about people, especially where gender is concerned. To me, it's like nails on a chalkboard to hear people say things like, "men are natural born protectors" or "women are inherently more nurturing than men are." The variation within genders far outweighs the variation between genders. However, Heavenly Father has designed a plan in which there are essential differences between males and females regarding the individual's divine nature and associated responsibilities and potential.

I've written before about the Proclamation and my personal interpretation. As time has passed, I've been hearing a lot more of these shared sentiments across the pulpit in sacrament meeting - the Proclamation never says that women can't pursue careers, one parent isn't necessarily restricted to certain tasks, etc. And I totally agree with those interpretations. People (ahem - Mormons) are finally waking up and realizing that a woman who aspires to be a doctor isn't going to be struck down because she has passions and aspirations outside of raising her children. Heaven forbid. However, I think there is a certain danger in focusing so much on saying that men and women should be doing exactly the same things because gender should have no say in responsibilities. Let me explain.

Recently, I had the opportunity to interview several women in the church who support the Ordain Women movement. It was an extremely eye-opening experience, and while I do not agree with the aims of the movement itself, I more fully understood some of the challenges that stand in the way to understanding the inherent differences between men and women and how gender relates to motherhood, fatherhood, and the Priesthood. One interviewee struck a chord with me when I asked her how she would respond to the idea that men and women depend on each other because they need each other to grow - they each bring different things to the table. She thoughtfully responded with the statement, "I think human beings depend on each other." In no way do I disagree with this statement. This is why the church has visiting teaching, home teaching, service committees, wards, stakes, missions - essentially, this is why the Church exists. As children of God, we are to learn and grow and help others do the same, regardless of gender. But the family is the central unit in which this learning and growing occurs, and only a man and woman together can make the covenants in the House of the Lord and bring souls to earth to shepherd them back to our Heavenly Father. In the words of Elder Packer: "Just as a woman cannot conceive a child without a man, so a man cannot fully exercise the power of the priesthood to establish an eternal family without a woman." (More on this later.) Men and women do need and depend on each other, and when we erase gender and say that only human beings depend on each other, we're undermining the plan that our Heavenly Father has designed to bring life into this world to progress on to exaltation.

On a fundamental level, I am not just a human being. I am a woman, and that means something. I've struggled to pinpoint exactly what that means, and I'm getting there step by step. Again, I hate to say things like, "All men are this way" and, "All women have been endowed with this gift" because I understand that not all women want to have children, and not all men bend over backwards to bring home the bacon (unintentional alliteration for the win). I need to phrase this delicately. When we get caught up in the logic that gender should have no influence on responsibilities or pursuits, there is danger in that we tend to treat men and women as exactly the same. We've gotten so caught up in our drive for egalitarianism that we've forgotten that different does not mean unequal.

So I'm going to tell you what it means to me that I'm a woman. First, let me rewind to a time when I didn't understand my place as a woman. Here's an excerpt from my field notes in Thailand when I was interviewing women whose husbands had taken wives after them. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have some kind of existential crisis at least once a week. Here's an example from that summer:

       "I began to go through a bit of a crisis (haha, I even called it a crisis in my field notes) yesterday when we were visiting the polygamous women living in the same house...I tried to mentally place myself in the position of a wife whose husband decides to marry another wife. What would my relationship be like with her? How would we feel about him? Would one of us love him more? How would I feel knowing that right now, my husband was having sex with his other wife, who was possibly my friend? How would I feel to know that another woman could make him feel that way about her and that those intimate experiences that we had together were not unique to us alone? During our visit, I didn't become all that distraught - when I got home and started to write, however, I became very upset. Because it seems to me that that is, in fact, the natural order of things. It makes more sense for men to take multiple wives, even if I don't like the idea of it, in order to have more children. It doesn't make as much sense [evolutionarily] for a woman to take several husbands. And in my mind, this difference between genders reduces my view of women to the station of baby-makers and servants to a husband who can go off and do his work (which is not always very fun in and of itself, I know) and be leaders of a community and of the world...I know that all people are equal in the sight of God, but the patriarchal order of things [troubles me].

        In my life, I've known so many men who have left...abused...didn't love their wives...became addicted to pornography...and on and on and on and on. I'm not saying that all men are like this,  but I kept coming back to this thought last night. Why would Heavenly Father create a sex so vulnerable to being raped and abused and scorned and then create a patriarchal order in which the sex that is prone to raping and abusing and scorning constitute the leaders? How could Heavenly Father watch His daughters go through so much suffering at the hands of the other sex and still tell me that my greatest satisfaction will be serving humbly as a wife and mother in Zion? I know that I will accomplish much, and that I have been directed to lay these things aside to serve as a wife and mother. Why are my accomplishments not as valuable? Why aren't they enough? Why do I have to set my passions aside? Why do I need to make babies and support my husband in his passions? Why do I need to be expected to marry someone who might leave or abuse or hurt or not love his wife or become addicted to pornography?

       Even as I write this things, I know that my view is limited. I know that there is more. I know that Heavenly Father's daughters are precious to him. But part of me wants to just adopt children on my own and raise them myself. I could pursue whatever I wanted with whatever money I make and wherever I go. I could adopt a couple of children and love them like nobody has loved them before. I could teach them about love and work, heartache and joy. I could raise them on my own. I wouldn't have to worry about being left or abused or hurt. I wouldn't have to worry about my husband finding another woman and wanting to leave to be with her. I wouldn't have to worry about my husband keeping me but feeling the need to have a woman on the side. I wouldn't have to worry that I might not be enough to keep a husband around. 

       And so I cried and cried last night. Because I don't understand my place as a woman in this plan of God's. And I won't ever be enough for someone who will probably leave or abuse me anyway. Where am I in the scriptures? Am I just the child-bearer of a prophet? Am I not to lead and to learn but to "toil and to spin and to work" in the home? I know there are good women in the scriptures, but I just haven't truly understood them yet. I don't know where they are. I don't know the place I have. I don't understand my worth."

Oh, my gosh. Tell me this was my mid-life crisis and that part of my life is already over. I'm actually laughing reading through that. I mean, it's not funny, but it's funny how much I've changed in the months since then. Now let me explain where my thinking has completely shifted. I certainly don't have the answers to all my questions. I don't know why polygamy ever had to be part of God's plan, and why only men hold the Priesthood, and why women are biologically the ones who bear the burden of child rearing and everything. 

But let me tell you what being a woman means to me. I have been endowed with the ability to bring life into the world. When the gravity of this ability really truly struck me for the first time, I actually felt kind of bad for men. They will never know what it's like to have this precious son or daughter of God inside of you, growing and kicking and becoming attached to you. They will never know what it's like for this tiny human to be entirely dependent on your ability to give bodily nourishment while they physically and emotionally attach themselves to you. I have been endowed with the divine responsibility to become partners with God in leading these tiny souls back to their Heavenly parents. If this is not the most important, influential task in the scope of all eternity, I don't know what is. This, of course, in no way denigrates the sacred station of fatherhood. Men play a critical role in leading their precious children back to their Heavenly parents, and a lot of this has to do with using priesthood authority to exercise priesthood power in the home. Your response to the following idea might be, "But we're in the 21st century now," but if Heavenly Father created one sex to primarily rear and nurture His precious children, and one to do everything in their power to protect and provide in order for that to happen, then so be it. Obviously, the two roles overlap more closely than that description provides, but who am I to throw a wrench in that plan?

God's purpose in creating two genders always comes back to the same thing: families. Man and woman, through the proper authority of temple covenants, bring Heavenly Father's children into this world to undergo the necessary experience of mortality that leads up to exaltation. (If you're not Mormon, this probably sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Ask the missionaries!)

So, you might ask: What about people born with both male and female genitalia? Those who struggle with gender dysphoria? Gender reassignment at birth? What about those who struggle with same-gender attraction? What about wives whose husbands leave them and they must care for their children on their own? Vice versa? What about couples who struggle with infertility? Women who never get the opportunity to marry or have children?

Well, I have good news. While we must do our best to deal with these issues in a sensitive and careful manner here in mortality, we don't have to have all the answers. Because at the end of the day, God takes care of it all. Yeah, this probably isn't what you want to hear. But I don't think we were meant to know or understand everything in this life. God knows the whys that we may never know in this life. But I do know this: Gender is an eternal characteristic, and it extends far beyond the mortal challenges of this life. Every individual has been assigned, from the time we were born of our Heavenly parents - maybe even before, I don't know how it works - their gender and associated divine roles. And because gender is eternal, we will have opportunities in the next life that may not be available to us now. Do I know how this works? No. Am I worried about it? No. I just know that there are very real challenges we must deal with in this life, but that they will be brought to light in the next. Each challenge is a trial of our faith, and obedience must come first. It is through obedience to God's commandments that we are protected. We can never fail when we are obedient to God's commandments. 

But I haven't gotten through all of this based on blind faith. Obedience is a start. And personal revelation has always been and always will be available to us. I may not have a complete understanding of gender and the divine inheritance of both genders, but I've come to understand it in a light that I never have before.

First of all, I get a little miffed when people talk about women not having the Priesthood. I really do understand where a lot of these women are coming from - I've spent a great deal of time talking to them. But I wish I could just transfer my worldview into their heads. I already have the Priesthood. No, I haven't been ordained, and I personally don't think women will ever be ordained to the Priesthood because officiating in essential ordinances for exaltation is not in my job description as a woman. (Obviously, that's not all the Priesthood is, but to just water it down a bit...) I believe women take a greater role in the Priesthood than we realize. Think about this. We have the essential Priesthood keys on the earth to perform necessary ordinances. But we don't currently have the keys of creation or resurrection (this is a great talk by the way). However, I, as a woman, have the potential to carry a creation in my body and bring it into the world. I have the ability to give life. If that's not an essential component or shadow to the Priesthood power of creation, I'm not really sure what is. My future spouse and I are partners in the Priesthood. It is just as much my responsibility to uphold, honor, and understand the Priesthood as it is his. In no way do we differ in that regard. The power of the Priesthood is involved in such acts as bringing life into the world and sustaining it. I also take part in the priesthood when I accept any calling under priesthood authority. Yes, this includes visiting teaching. As an LDS woman, you have been called to watch over your sisters under the direct authority of the Priesthood...so you sure as heck better do it. You will be held accountable under the same judgment that men are.

Sheri Dew, in Women and the Priesthood, talks about the difference between Priesthood keys, Priesthood authority, and Priesthood power.

• Keys = the right of presidency; few men at one time actually hold very many keys of the Priesthood; they are dispersed throughout the men of the church who hold different responsibilities
• Authority: required to perform ordinances and conferred through ordination
• Power: power of God that emanates from the Priesthood; available to everyone, even those who are not members of our church

So, how does the Priesthood interact with motherhood? Sheri Dew provides this equation in the same text:

• Priesthood + womanhood = Exaltation

Alrighty. I struggle with this one a bit, I'll be honest. I've never equated the Priesthood with manhood, the Priesthood does not belong to men, and like I explained, I believe that mothers/women are equal participants in the Priesthood. However, sometimes I have to wonder if there's just a language issue here. What if - just entertain the thought for a moment - what if there is a part of motherhood that is so intertwined with the Priesthood (as I've expressed), that we just don't have a way to express it in words? What if the word "Priesthood" has just been culturally associated with "manhood" over time, and in reality, "womanhood" only stands alone because we've made it so in the way we speak about it? What if there is something so inherently sacred and special about womanhood, and we just don't have a name like "Priesthood" to accompany it to describe our primary responsibilities? I don't have the answers here, they're just things to think about. That maybe we are just limited in our understanding due to our mortal state - and as you should know by now, that is usually how things on this earth work. 

Another part of this book that entirely shifted my perspective on motherhood is found in a short story about a husband and wife talking in mixed company about their jobs and what not. (You, know - "What do you do?" "Well, actually, I'm a stay-at-home mother." "Oh. Well, then, what does your husband do?") Someone mentioned how awesome the wife/mother was for supporting him in his career, and the thought suddenly struck the husband/father that he was the one supporting her. He was the one working and providing for her to be able to bring these lives into the world and shepherd them along their journey back to their Heavenly Father. I mean, obviously we're not all going to be stay-at-home mothers or fit this traditional mold, but what's wrong with this traditional mold anyway? Nothing! Nothing at all! Yeah, there's a problem if we just see women as baby makers and unintelligent humans who need to stay in their place in the home (one of my favorite movies is Mona Lisa Smile). But I'm going to make a long shot and say that there will always be more women in the home than men, even as we move toward more egalitarianism. And there is nothing wrong with that. Good grief, can we just let people do what they want without overanalyzing everything and assuming that it's a problem that there are this many women at home and this many men in the workforce and blah, blah, blah. I mean, obviously, there's a problem if a woman faces discrimination and is treated like she needs to be at home merely because she is a woman. But there is nothing wrong with being the full-time gatekeeper of what should be the most sacred place on earth. That is a huge job and more important than what happens in Congress. Yup, I went there, said that. 

Every individual has a divine mission to fulfill in this life, and whether that means they stay in the home or have children while they get three degrees and travel the world doesn't matter. I will defend the traditional structure of the family every bit as much as I defend the the couple who decides the father needs to stay home with the children while the mother pursues a career. As long as both couples have worked out their situations with the Lord, I see no problem. In our 180 turnaround from the 1950s, we've begun to see women who choose to stay home as falling victim to a sexist system. But what we fail to see is the importance of rearing children. In a world that would have us put off families to pursue personal pleasures, decrease the number of children we decide to have, and put careers ahead of providing companionship and guidance for our children, we fail to see that the most important work done in the scope of all eternity is in the home. And biologically speaking, women are more often going to be the ones who to spend most of their time there with their children. 

So what do Mormon women get? As Sister Dew puts it, "potentially everything:" (I love this woman; I'm sorry I'm not sorry for making half this post about her.)

• the gift and power of the Holy Ghost
• personal revelation
• to be endowed in the temple with godly power and knowledge to access that power
• leading and teaching by the Spirit
• angels as our associates
• spiritual gifts
• blessings of the Atonement
• new and everlasting covenant of marriage
• rearing children as partners with the Almighty
• eternal life

Potentially, we get everything. In no way am I restricted. My potential is limitless. As a Mormon woman, I am one of the most powerful people in the world.

Women have been endowed with the sacred task of bearing children, and men have been entrusted with an  equally sacred task of using authority to provide spiritually saving ordinances for their children. Both are equally essential for the exaltation of all individuals. Our responsibilities go far beyond these tasks, but this is at the core of our identities as sons and daughters of Heavenly Parents. Those who say that these callings are not equal in nature will never be satisfied with differences between man and woman. As long as differences exist, they will call it inequality.

I'll risk sounding ultra-conservative to defend the family. I'll risk the criticism of many of my acquaintances who would like to tear every sentence of this apart. I'll risk sounding overly traditional to defend womanhood and motherhood. Because, as Glenn L. Pace once stated:

Sisters, I testify that when you stand in front of your heavenly parents in those royal courts on high and look into Her eyes and behold Her countenance, any question you ever had about the role of women in the kingdom will evaporate into the rich celestial air, because at that moment you will see standing directly in front of you, your divine nature and destiny.

Me and my best friend - one of the strongest Mormon women I know.

"I Want it Absolutely Clear"

I have mixed feelings about blogging because...well...once something is out there, you can't take it back, even if you delete it later. What is read is read. And I looked back at some of my blog posts tonight and laughed a bit because...haha. I realized how fired up I get when I write and how when I started this blogging project it was pretty evident that I was going through this weird merging-into-adulthood crisis and trying to be all "free bird." Truth be told, it's painfully funny to look back at that part of my life...but it's pretty interesting how much you can change in a year. Also, blogging is just super weird because you're putting your life on display for others, and sometimes I think we forget how much is the appropriate amount to put on display because we're hiding behind a computer screen, and we have these things inside of us that desperately want to be said.

So I thought I might do something a bit different with this post - write something that I would never want to take back or re-think. I've lost the mental ability to work on my thesis or other research projects, and I was sitting trying to think of something productive I could do without actually doing any work (something I've been spending a lot of time doing these days). And so I came to the conclusion that I could spend a little time reflecting on my beliefs and sharing them with people who may not know what I believe. Or who just need a little strength to get through their day.

I'm pretty sure everyone who is reading this knows that I'm Mormon, and that I've been a lifetime member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And if not, I'm sorry I haven't made that obvious to you. So I'll tell you a little bit about why I've made the conscious choice to remain in this Church, and just maybe, if you have some negative views of Mormons, I'll offer a different perspective than you've been exposed to.

My testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ can't be explained in one blog post. It is entrenched in almost 21 years of sometimes heartbreaking, and yet glorious life experiences. I have felt the hand of God in my life more times than I can count, and sadly, I chose to turn away from it for some time during high school. I felt like I was going through this vicious cycle of trying to do everything I was told I should be doing...and then messing up and feeling like I was never going to be good enough, so why even try? Why pray to this God who I felt was an angry, jealous God that wanted me to repent every day when I messed up? Why did I have to focus on all the things I was doing wrong when I already experienced such a strong self-hatred for so many years? I spent much of high school clinically depressed and struggling with anorexia. In my life, I could control two things - my eating habits (which ironically, I completely lost control over), and my grades. Somehow, I've always had the ability to excel in every single class I've taken - mostly because I know how to study, not because I actually think I'm all that smart. If I could get perfect grades and somehow attain the perfect body (a five-year-long experience which I'm building up the courage to release in blog form) then I was worthy of being loved. I became this empty shell that simply existed. I would wake up for school, get ready like a robot, and survive each day, willing myself not to think about anything but what I was occupied doing at the present moment. "Right now, I am brushing my teeth. I am putting my toothbrush under the water. I am spitting into the sink and rinsing my mouth out." Thinking about anything but my actions at hand caused me too much pain.

I thought that God must detest me because I wasn't like the beautiful, sociable, spiritual young women at church. I was too tainted with too many personality flaws. I couldn't get over my skewed thought patterns (that I knew were wrong but continued anyway), and that was reason enough for me to just stop trying. God didn't want me. He wanted people with high self-esteem and happy spirits.

Little did I know that when I wept, the Savior wept. When I despaired, God's hand was fully extended to me. When I cried for help, He was already there holding me. The only thing standing in my way was the seduction of ignorance - of not pursuing the plan laid out for me by my Heavenly Father because that meant I was responsible for not messing up - which I would inevitably do. We so often talk about messing up like it's a bad thing. And while we shouldn't seek out opportunities to do wrong, each mistake does give us the opportunity to grow.

In the many paradoxes of the Gospel that I've learned about in my life (one that continues to baffle and amaze me is the reconciliation of God's justice and mercy), there is one in particular that is one of the most glorious of all. We were made in the image of God, and we are so very much like Him in terms of our potential. We can be like Him, but He is not like us. I'm having a hard time articulating this. He is.....above every mortal weakness that we experience. He doesn't hold onto our pasts like we hold onto our own and others'. We were meant to experience mortal inhibitions...irrational anger, irritation, an aversion to forgiveness, jealousy...Otherwise, there would be no point. We each suffer weaknesses in character. We weren't meant to be perfect on this earth. But the point is to become like God in overcoming these mortal tendencies. By learning how to control, to love unconditionally, to forgive, to practice mercy. This whole time (in high school) I imagined a constantly displeased God who held onto my past sins like I held onto my resentment for people who had hurt me very deeply in the past.

But He's not like that. When we recognize our faults and come to Him in sincere repentance, He simply...gives us a clean slate. He knows that we are prone to mortal weaknesses because of the Fall of Adam and Eve - an absolutely essential component to His plan for His children. Without the Fall, we could not become mortal and experience weaknesses to overcome, in turn becoming like God. It is also absolutely essential that we experience our own "Falls." It's impossible for us, in a mortal existence, not to sin. It's in our nature. But we learn to control and improve. God knows that we have weaknesses. And so, like I said, when we recognize our faults and come to Him in sincere repentance, He simply gives us a clean slate. Because Jesus Christ already suffered for our sins and paid the price that we might not suffer. As my New Testament teacher once told us [quoting someone else whose name unfortunately escapes me], "In some way that we do not understand, in the Garden of Gethsemane, the Savior lived your life from the day you were born to the day you died. Rather than experiencing a wave of suffering for everyone all at once, He awaited a long line of [billions of] people for whom to pay the price one by one."

Long before you even lived, He already experienced your loneliest night (yet another amazing paradox). He already knew what you felt like when [these are not necessarily representations of my own trials - just things that I know people deal with] your closest friend died, or when you were sexually abused, or when your father beat you, or when your mother left you, or when you hopelessly despaired that you could never recover from an addiction, or when you just thought it would be better for everyone if you died. This is why we are never alone. Because there is One who has already lived our lives every step of the way.

There is so much to learn from these mind-boggling paradoxes of mercy and grace. Can we learn to exhibit a little more compassion and grace to those around us? Can we learn to be a stand-in for the Savior to those who have wounded us beyond repair - or so we thought? Can we learn to practice God's mercy, and leave the judgment to God? Can we learn to let our pasts slide, along with those of others? To give everyone the same chance to forsake their pasts and be the person of their most inherent, divine nature? I have been reminded several times recently that the individuals who harm us suffer much more than we do from the infliction of their abuse. It is this gentle reminder that has given me the strength to be a stand-in for the Savior and offer quiet forgiveness and a friendly hand to those from whom I once cowered in fear. The Atonement covers absolutely everything, mortal weaknesses and transgressions included.

I stole my title from Elder Holland's talk about the Book of Mormon in which He stated:

“I want it absolutely clear when I stand before the judgement bar of God that I declared to the world, in the most straightforward language I could summon, that the Book of Mormon is true.”

I could write a whole other post about this Book and its truthfulness - in fact, why don't you just watch this talk? (You can't just read it and experience the fire raining down from Heaven that happens every time Elder Holland speaks.) It pretty much summarizes my feelings on the matter.

But I want to say the same statement here. I want it absolutely clear that I know that my Savior Jesus Christ lives and that He personally atoned for my sins. He loves each one of us and understands our circumstances completely. I want it clear that I have no doubt in my mind that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was divinely organized and its structure divinely inspired to carry the truth of the Gospel to all nations in modern times. I know that God has called prophets to lead and guide us today, just as in times of old. I know that God lives. I know that God has provided the Priesthood to allow worthy men to speak and act for God as if He were here on the earth and that all individuals have equal access to the blessings of the Priesthood. I cannot deny the hand of the Lord in my life, and I promise you that if you will seek out the truth and actively study and ask for wisdom from the Lord, that it will be granted to you. Of this I am more sure than anything. 

In Defense of the Humanities and the F-Word

I'm starting to hate the word feminist. It's becoming one of those words that carries fast-acting shock value every time someone utters it. You know, kind of like the actual F-word and those other raunchy ones. I'm starting to hate the feeling that every time someone says that word, they are directing it at me, expecting that I need to come up with some sort of defense for claiming to be a feminist. Some sort of defense for my life choice to study gender and its connections to culture within the fields of psychology and anthropology. I'm tired of people treading on eggshells around me because they're afraid of offending me whenever they make a comment or joke about women. I enjoy a "barefoot and pregnant" joke as much as the next person, I promise.

But the one that really took the cake this week was...well, let me see if I can paraphrase:

"Feminism is pointless. It was good back when women needed to get the right to vote, yeah, I can see that. But now it's just done. There's no need for it. All men were created equal and that's that. All that study in the humanities and everything, it's just so dumb. We don't need it."

You would be so proud of me. I kept my mouth shut and just respectfully listened to the conversation die off. (Mostly because I've gotten so tired of hearing this kind of stuff.) But I've had some time to sit and stew over some of this.

I'm sorry, but at what point did it become pointless to study humanity? When did it become stupid to study the way people interact with each other, the way that humans connect and form groups and develop and grow and think? Why is study in the "hard sciences" so much more valuable and worthwhile to the world? Guess who gave rise to, through use of socially constructed language, the ideas in their raw form of centimeters and neurons and particles and mitochondria? Humanity. Guess who gave them names and used socially constructed methods (and, of course, often divinely inspired) to experiment on these things and come to learn more about the world? Humanity. Guess who studies language, culture, cognition, and the processes behind which God drives us to be able to experiment on these "tangible" and therefore "more valid" objects of study? Social scientists and those in the humanities...in other words, humanity.

Don't get me wrong. Scientific development throughout all of history has been absolutely incredible and mind-boggling. I'm simply suggesting that we stop looking down at other disciplines of study and label them as less worthwhile, prestigious, or intelligent because they study humanity in a less "tangible" context. I value learning how to think critically, break down arguments, and theoretically back up arguments. And if you can learn how to use these techniques in any field of study, you will only be better for it. How is it that we've come to see people who study mathematics, medicine, engineering, and other typically high-paying fields of study as the real scholars of society? Why, when prompted to name humanity's greatest developments, do we list off medical technology, the latest electronics, and modes of transportation when rarely does anyone mention developments in literature, music, and progress in modern therapy methods?

Let me illustrate an example of the importance of study in the social sciences.

Let's say, for instance, that you are a doctor desiring to join Doctors Without Borders. You must have a sound understanding of the local ideologies concerning the western biomedical model and how that fits into their scope of traditional practices in order to best approach the locals in developing an agreeable system of medical practice. Who does this type of work? Most often anthropologists.

In one of the most well-known books on Hmong studies, The Spirit Catches You and You Fall, Anne Fadiman recounts stories relating the dissonance between Hmong beliefs and the use of the Western biomedical system by American “acculturation” of Hmong immigrants to the United States. She points out that a Hmong American individual suffering from a physical illness is more likely to stop taking a medication preceding the prescribed date due to the notion that if the medication hasn’t proven effective by this point, he or she should seek a new method of curing. In traditional Hmong shamanism, when any factor poses a threat to health or well-being, it must be solved with an appropriate method. If such a method (i.e. a hu plig ritual to call the soul and diagnose the problem) proves ineffective, then an alternate option must be sought out and implemented. In this case, if the medication doesn’t work within what is deemed an appropriate time frame, the method would be terminated and a new one likewise implemented. (If you want to read an excellent piece expanding on this topic, I will refer you to one of my professor's publications entitled "Is It the Spirit or the Body?": Syncretism of Health Beliefs Among Hmong Immigrants to Alaska.) Therefore, research on Hmong conceptions of health care and spiritual matters is needed to facilitate doctor-patient communication and mutual understanding. 

It's all about understanding people to better their lives and the way that society functions. This kind of work takes months and years of interviewing, administering other types of informative tests, coding and analyzing data, writing, designing appropriate systematic methods of collecting data, and attaining a sound theoretical understanding of research and communication to make a difference in this world. I consider this one of our most important methods of science. 

If you're curious about what I want to do, then...I want to employ these types of methods in a study of international development and involvement in cultural gender issues - like issues surrounding eradication female genital cutting, for instance. Are we really going about this the right way, and in a lot of places, does it even really need to be eradicated? In my opinion, the answer to both of these questions is no, for now at least. (At some point in the future, I'll probably write about this very topic on this very blog.)

I study humanity. And I also have a passion for studying gender. Why? Because from the moment I was born, my gender affected everything about my life. I look back on every major trial I've had in life, and some portion of it has to do with my gender (and others' genders) and how I've come to fit into society and my conception of humanity. And I believe that every individual's gender - male or female - impacts their struggles, their ideas, their contributions, you name it. Gender is a divine characteristic of our identities as children of God. What reason is there that I can't be fascinated by how it operates differently in various cultures?

As far as feminism is concerned, I claim to be a feminist because historically, women have almost always been disadvantaged. And I want to help individuals who suffer from certain gendered disadvantages - or more importantly, from perceptions of presumed gendered disadvantages - overcome their trials and reach their fullest potential. Note that I do not only mean women. Of course men suffer from gendered struggles as well. And to do that, I need to study theory and gender and counseling and culture and writing and....humanity. 

I don't hate men. Actually....I love men. I want to marry one someday. And have babies with him. And be a mother...even be a stay-at-home mom for a time and support him in his dreams while I live mine. I don't believe in the Priesthood ordination of women because men and women are different and we have different roles. And I don't understand all of this, but I have faith that God will do what needs to be done to take care of any and all of this. Do I dare say this and be a feminist? Yes.

And for those who believe I went on some feminist rampage throughout Thailand to "bring down patriarchy" or whatever, this is what I was really doing. Please read my abstract here for the thesis I'm currently writing.

Dissonance between traditional Hmong beliefs and American mental health services is evident in the United States. Current family therapy ideologies (especially in cities with a high population of Hmong immigrants) must expand to include a greater understanding of Hmong kinship practices and traditional beliefs. In order to examine the importance of such factors, this study serves as a person-centered ethnography based in a village of northern Thailand geared toward understanding the factors upon which Hmong women in a polygynous context tend to base their decisions to commit to marriage. All three case studies (one divorced, one separated, and one cohabiting with the husband and second wife) decided to remain committed to polygynous husbands primarily for reasons involving their children’s relationships to their clans, ritual practices, and foundations of belief. Throughout the course of the interviews, the prevailing notion suggested that within the traditional Hmong kinship system, children benefit more from remaining in close proximity and emotional contact with the patrilineal clan to facilitate functional relationships and learn clan-specific ancestral practices. In these cases, the well-being of the children becomes a greater factor in a woman’s decision to remain married, as opposed to the relationship between husband and wife. In addition, the concept of karma plays a major role in Hmong women’s beliefs about their station in life and marriage. These underlying decision-making factors must be more heavily weighted in the context of family therapy to yield greater benefits for Hmong people seeking help for marital and familial conflict.

Anyway, I hope I've stirred up a little bit of thought in your mind, at the very least. If anything, I just want this blog to be a place where people learn how to be just a tiny bit more open-minded. 

Get it together, people!

I've had some pretty enlightening conversations over the past few weeks and thought I'd share....while my billion other blog drafts are sitting and gathering dust. But you know. All in good time.

I came home today to my burst-of-sunshine roommate, Nebs. We started complaining about the same old stuff...you know...poopwater leaking all over our apartment, black mold in our ceiling, a carpet that just screams "I HAVE LIVING THINGS ALL OVER ME THAT WILL EAT YOU!" and all good things under the sun. (Hint: Don't live at University Villa. Ever.)

I don't even remember where our conversation took a turn, but we started talking about establishing healthy habits, taking personal responsibility for social issues, and just doing whatever the heck you want. We got on our personal soap boxes for awhile and preached to each other for a couple hours and then....returned to our lives and moldy apartment.

Soapbox Number 1:

Mormons do not do a very good job of interpreting and implementing the Word of Wisdom. I swear, Mormons are the number one consumer of sugar in this country. Well, probably not. But maybe. Go to any ward activity and expect to fill your body with blondies, brownies, an expansive variety of cookies, green jello, red jello, blue jello, doughnuts, and...candy. So. Much. Candy. We sure know how to party without drugs and alcohol. Just throw in some Reese's and Type II diabetes, and we call it good.

And visiting teaching and Relief Society lessons? Heaven forbid you forget treats. The only way to get fully grown adults to sit like good children and listen to you for 45 minutes.

Sorry for the heavy dose of sarcasm. But not sorry at all, really. Do you know how amazing our bodies are?

Our bodies are designed in the image of God, programmed to regenerate its cells, meant to run and lift and carry our spirits. We would do well to treat them a little bit better. Our bodies are mortally, inseparably connected to our spirits. When I get extremely emotionally upset, my body starts to shut down. I find it impossible to eat or sleep. I know this is a lot more complicated than a mind-body connection, but that's what it really comes down to. Nourish your body to take care of your spirit, and nourish your spirit to take care of your body.

HOW do you expect to control your spirit and fully submit yourself to the will of God if you can't control this mortal body that He has given you? You can't. True submission to the will of God entails a submission of body and spirit. They are inseparable.

Yes, I believe food provides a truly enjoyable human experience, and you should enjoy it, but you don't have to be a slave to it. You do not have to be a slave to the natural man or to any of your body's cravings. And that includes food, drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, or any type of addictive substance or behavior. How liberating it is to be in complete control of your body and spirit. Not to be dependent on substances or behaviors that drive away the Spirit of God.

Accounts of Siddartha's life say that he went days and days eating a single grain of rice. Only when he could transcend mortal pain could he reach nirvana. New approach to fasting anyone? For two meals once a month, just focus on controlling your body's urges and feeding your spirit in abundance instead. Learn how to control!

Listen to your body. Spend time meditating each day. Each body is unique. It's trying to tell you that it needs certain nutrients, that it can't handle certain substances, that it needs to get outside of your house and run. Be mindful. Shh. Listen.

Soapbox Number 2:

Stop. Trying. To. Please. Other. People.

I've had days where I've woken up sick to my stomach, my mind laden with worry about what people will see in me today. I went through a period of about five years where self-consciousness about my body was on my mind literally every second of every day. How am I sitting? Does it make my fat more noticeable? This shirt makes my arms look to beefy. What good is being smart if I'm not pretty? On these days, I find myself the most awkward, uninteresting, and unappealing person in the universe. Why do we do it? Why do we care? I could go on guessing things about insecurity, the need for acceptance, blah-dy blah blah. I don't really want to explore those reasons right now because I've found the solution that works for me.

Look at your potential. You are a son or daughter of a God and Goddess. We're in this temporary mortal existence trying to become more like them and then...you better be ready. How incredible is this? That in our divine nature, we are designed to become like those beings who created us? Can you even fathom what you are capable of?

If you're Mormon and have a copy of your Patriarchal blessing, take a look at that. You were designed to be extraordinary and do remarkable things. The truth is, you will never be enough to please everyone here. Everyone on earth holds different standards and wants different things from you. Some of them expect you to be the perfect little Mormon housewife. Some of them expect you to be a sleaze ball. Some of them expect you to succumb to substance abuse. Some of them expect you to look perfect. Some of them expect you to never make a moral mistake. You will never be enough for them. But you ARE ENOUGH to live up to the divine potential defined in your patriarchal blessing. YOU ARE ALREADY ENOUGH. Just do it! It's complicated, but it's so, so simple.

As one of my good Thailand friends put it last night (not verbatim, but close enough): "Your opinion holds no sway on me and my decisions. I could care less what you think." [About people that we interact with on a daily basis, not directed at me haha.] I think most of us coming back from Thailand experienced some blues or depression here in Provo. My first day back walking around on campus, I just saw a bunch of people who didn't understand or care about what I had become so deeply invested in for the past two and a half months. I was back in this superficial dating world, where you have to dress to impress and flirt to convert and a billion other stupid things that don't really matter.

We live in this little city where we are socialized to care about things that really shouldn't matter. So what if I wore my hair up every day this week because I was too lazy to spend an hour doing my hair. So what if I believe I can have a career and be a mother. (Why is this so shocking to people here? Why does this idea make guys treat you like the plague?) So what if I don't feel like hanging out with anybody on a Friday night, and I watch 6 episodes of 30 Rock back to back? So what if I've only gone on a couple of dates in the last......well, that's my private business. As I so eloquently tried to express today, "I don't give a fart's....I mean, flying fart about what anyone thinks. I'm so flipping done." People are great. But they are also really lame and judgmental sometimes. Your opinion doesn't need to count when it comes to who I want to be and what I want to do. And my opinion doesn't need to count when it comes to who you want to be and what you want to do.

Why do we waste so. much. time? Caring about what other people think? Ha. I told Nebs today that I used to spend all of my free time in high school looking for tips to stay thin on pro-ana websites. Why was I sitting on my butt on the Internet when I should've been out running!? (Hooray for morbid jokes.)

What if we took all that time and did something a little more constructive. Leading into...

Soapbox Number 3:

Please find out what you care about and do what you love. I'm begging you! This world needs fewer people who care about money, and more people who care about making this world a better place through their unique talents and abilities.

YOU have a never-before-seen-or-experienced set of abilities and experiences that have immense potential to bless the lives of other people. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please use them! I've been told I will care about money a lot more when I'm older and when I understand more. I'm willing to admit that my viewpoints can change over time, and that I don't have a complete understanding of adulthood and money and all that good stuff. But here we are in this world again, where we're socialized to make things matter that shouldn't matter.

Watch this. Watch it! WATCH.

Otherwise, you won't be able to fully appreciate what I'm going to say next.

Learn how to embrace discomfort. Foster a sense of curiosity. Ask questions. Learn how to think critically. Seek for answers. Discover. Share.

This world will start getting better when people realize that ideas and education drive society forward. Not money, not fame, not instant satisfaction. But ideas and education. Share your passions with other people! Enlighten them! Be humble and willing to be enlightened by others. Foster an open-minded state of being. People like people who don't always think they're right. (Here's a secret: You're not always right! Neither am I! Gasp! Shock! Awe! What!?)

Consider this post a soapbox speech begging you to get it together and just live the heck out of life. PLEASE.

Oh hey, Hannah Montana....and Full-grown Family Man

Hey, there - it's been awhile. So much for blogging about crazy things over the summer in Thailand. But as I continue my data analysis, I'll update my blog. I actually ended up studying experiences with polygamy in Hmong culture. In the mean time, I have a few things on my mind...that kind of make my blood boil.

It all started with the VMAs...which I did not watch, but the media always explodes after things like the Miley incident occur.



Oh, hey Hannah Montana. It's been awhile.

 

But let's not talk about Miley and the whole slut-shaming issue. You've already heard it all, I'm sure. I want to talk about Robin Thicke. Actually, it's not so much about him as it is about our wild sex-driven media. While everyone was bashing Miley, did anyone even really notice Robin Thicke and his lyrics? I'm not saying that Miley is an innocent victim - in truth, I kind of pity her as an insecure celebrity who perpetuates the degradation of both sexes. I honestly do believe that behind any such behavior by males or females is insecurity and the denial of self-respect. The VMA performances reflected this in looping from one song to the next about using people as sexual objects.

Have you flipping heard Robin Thicke's lyrics?

And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl

I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

If you look closer into the complete lyrics and watch the video (which I do not advise - I saw the edited version, and it was one of the raunchiest things I've ever seen), you'll pick up that this song is basically about using coersion to get women to have sex with you. I don't mean to blow it out of proportion, but it's basically about date rape - or at least, it contains a lot of those sentiments. Basically, a man can tell when a woman wants to have sex based on her behavior and can go ahead and get it even if she doesn't necessarily comply - because obviously, based on her clothing and behavior, she's asking for it.

The women in the video are wearing white or nude colored underwear - and sometimes, it's only on the bottom. At other times, their breasts are almost in full view, barely covered by their arms. Their mid-sections are covered in plastic a lot of the time. I'm not sure if there's some kind of implication to that that I'm unaware of, but to me, it made them seem like plastic dolls  being chased around by perv-y men. The men often just stand there and watch the women dance around or shake their butts - either that or they chase them around. Sometimes, the girls act as a prop for a toy car to roll around on. For some reason, the part that bothered me the most is when Thicke blows smoke into the face of the blonde women, and she flinches in discomfort. The women are there to serve the men alcohol and light up their cigarettes. While the men chase the girls around and admire or slap their body parts, they talk about a few concepts a little too explicit to put in a public post - basically about how his size will cause discomfort. And that's in the edited version. I don't even want to think about what's in the unrated version.

I am so disgusted. So incredibly disgusted at what has become popular in our culture. At how not only women, but men, are painted as sex objects and toys. At how obsessed as a culture we've become with sexual gratification and how it almost completely constitutes our media and Internet world. I don't want to have a whole stereotypical feminist hissy fit about media, but I'm getting close.

The media blows up about a Disney-star-gone-slut, and the grown man gets a free pass. Also, it's pretty ridiculous how obsessed we are with all this VMA stuff and celebrity this and that with things of far greater importance going on in the world. I bet any average Joe or Jane could answer random trivia about Miley Cyrus or The Bachelor or who's having sex with who or whatever. But could they give a summary of what's going on in Syria right now? Here's a cool blog post touching more on some of these points.

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/08/28/dear-son-dont-let-robin-thicke-be-a-lesson-to-you/

 

Within a week after the VMAs, I started seeing pictures on the web of "family guy" Robin Thicke, playing at the beach with his wife and kid after having just grinded with a 20-year-old nearly naked girl in front of the whole world while he sang his song about date rape.

 

Here's a powerful example of the effects of such patterns of destructive thinking demonstrated in this song and so many other forms of media in today's world. Maybe next time, the words "I know you want it" will make listeners think twice. (Warning: some of the quotes will be disturbingly explicit to some viewers.)

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/27-survivors-of-sexual-assault-quoting-the-people-who-attack

At times, people ask me why I care so much about gender issues. Sometimes, I even forget why I care about it because people tell me, "what's the big deal? Sexism doesn't really exist anymore." And I have a hard time forming my argument on the spot because the way they're putting it, well - things are great. Women work, apparently more women are in college than men, women vote, women are in politics, blah, blah, blah. And according to them, I'm just finding a place to put the blame for my gendered insecurities. Yes, I do believe this is one of the best countries in the world for women to live in, and I believe that things for women have gotten remarkably better within the last century. But I think we use that as an excuse to say that there aren't problems with sexism anymore. That is a downright full-of-crap myth. Sexism exists both ways, and I see it getting worse and worse - mostly in areas like sex in media. And not only sexism, but effects of the perception of gendered issues that often leads to perpetuating behavior. And that's why I care. Because girls and boys often grow up without the resources and knowledge necessary not to be part of the sexist system. Because I starved myself for five years since I didn't understand how to value myself as a human and thought nobody could love me if I had curves and an imperfect face. Because I've watched other women suffer in the same way, and it's far too common. Because I've seen the devastating effects of sexual abuse and rape. Because I've seen firsthand how our culture degrades the sacred responsibilities of males and females. Because I've seen men and women completely fall apart from the pressures placed on them by society.

And for a few words of advice about not falling into the sexist system. And it is difficult, especially in this day and age, not to. I don't feel that I need to reiterate what messages the media sends to boys, girls, women, and men. You see and hear it every day. Rather, I would appeal to you not to take part in it.

• Don't promote it, privately or publicly. Like, here's a good idea. Don't listen to songs that promote date rape. Can you hear my sarcasm? It's such a "duh" statement, but how often do we really take the time to know what kind of media we're ingesting and supporting? And, in effect, passing on to our children?
• Don't take an active role in sexual objectification or degradation. The industry that turns out women as sex objects is...well..largely made up of women as well as men. I see the women in charge just as responsible as the men. Models, actors, magazine editors, writers, script writers, directors, fashion designers, and so many more occupations. None of these occupations are inherantly bad, obviously. But holy cow, they have immense power for either good or bad. In any occupation, do not take part in promoting or designing sexual objectification. Because in doing so, you're only perpetuating the problems that hundreds of thousands of people are trying to stamp out.
• Most importantly (because let's face it - these problems will never be stamped out completely) do not fall victim to the sexist system. You can choose not to. And by this, I don't mean that you can choose not to get raped or anything. Most of us have already been victims of some kind. But don't fall victim to it. Choose to eat healthfully and take care of your body because God has lent you this body, and because you deserve to be healthy. Choose to turn off media that makes you feel inadequate or that makes you think of others in a degrading manner. Choose to seek help if you have been violated in any way - don't let events of the past determine your self-worth or potential. Choose to overcome obstacles and rise above whatever has happened to you - because once you've done this, you can do anything and become anyone you want. You have complete control over who you become, and you might just need a little help along the way. And that is perfectly okay. Choose to dress in a way that encourages you to respect yourself and others. (And by respecting others, I mean that what we dress like really does shape our behavior and attitudes toward other people - just think about it for a minute.) If you feel doubts about wearing it, toss it. Choose not to listen to that voice in your head telling you that you are fat, ugly, not good enough, or not worth anyone's love.

As President Dalton reminded us in April 2013 General Conference:

 

"Whate'er thou art, act well thy part."

 

Read the talk here at: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/we-are-daughters-of-our-heavenly-father?lang=eng

You are of royal heritage - sons and daughters of a Heavenly King. So believe it and act like it. You owe it to yourself, to others, and most of all, to your Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

 

You'll notice from here on out, this advice will fit the pattern on this blog: taking personal responsibility to achieve your greatest potential. Yes, bad things happen to innocent and unsuspecting people - a lot, these days. But my future career path focuses on giving men and women the resources they need to take control of their own lives after having been devastated by gendered issues. You, and only you, are the author of your future.